I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
