my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
