just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
These 25 Irresponsible People Blew All Their Cash On Drugs, Booze, & Sex
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people