Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Randomize
