I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
