Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I have so many feelings about this burrito
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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