i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
