I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
