peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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