to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Randomize
