Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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