Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Randomize
