I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
