after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
