when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
