My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
