What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
