You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
