I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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