Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
