Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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