Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
