I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
third nipple confirmed
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
