I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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