Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Randomize
