ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
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