At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I forget how to act sober
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