Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
