Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Randomize
