I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Randomize
