i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
