Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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