I think im going to throw up on grandma
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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