I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
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I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
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Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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