Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
