haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
cat food counts as protein by the way
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Randomize
