I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Randomize
