we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
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