whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
