your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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