You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
