then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
