I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
