I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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