Your face is a jimmy john
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
