mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
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