bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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