Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
