Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
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Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
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His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
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