On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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