take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
