one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
this boner is exhausting
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
