you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Help me help you realize you are a moron
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
